Poor God, what a visual!

I finally broke down! I have been slowly building up frustration about how I still do not have a full time job.... and last night I blew. Like literally it was the messiest blow, so messy I'm not even sure how to spell 'messiest' or if it's even a word...but it needs to be used.

I cried...hard! I really hate the health department! Not only am I doing NOTHING at all with this job (I don't think giving a few shots a day qualifies as Nursing) It's just a bunch of politics. If I wanted to be in politics I would be working on being in the Senate, where at least I could make closer to six figures while doing Nothing!

I just can't see Community nursing as the best place for me. It is not what I am passionate about (actually I am passionately against it...well only for me others can certainly do it). It's getting to the point where my entire day (five whole hours worth! she types sarcastically) is a LIE!!!! I pretend I like it and that everyday is a great and wonderful experience, when in reality I am screaming on the inside...I HATE THIS!!!!!

I was talking to a school nurse at one of our sites and she was asking me about what I really wanted to do with my career and I told her about Mother/Infant and Labor and Delivery and she was like, "blech, I hated both of those units when I was in nursing school" and all I wanted to say was, "Good that makes it even, You hated what I loved and I hated what you loved! Now we won't get in each other's way! (smiley face smiley face)" but what I actually said was, "well I just love nursing so anywhere is great for me I love it I love it all"

LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe I have become a lying maniac! I just want this Mother/Infant job and they still haven't called.

In Sunday School dad was teaching us about something...I was listening I promise but we touch on so much it's hard to remember it all. What I did remember was disappointment. He was like "Does God ever disappoint us?" Well of course not! But we feel like it! and Dad went on to talk about when we feel disappointed we should just remember that God wants the VERY best for us and He isn't disappointing us, He is redirecting us. Because why would He give mediocrity when we can have AWESOMENESS (I'm pretty sure that is in the Bible somewhere and if not...it should be... I'm talking to you 'The Message' writers).

So when I look back at this actually small unemployment timeframe, I realized He really is redirecting me...

For starters: 6Tower. When I prayed for my interview, I'm pretty sure that Jesus looked down at me and said "6Tower Kari? Really? You think I don't have anything better than that up my sleeve? Please!(zig zag finger snap)" Then came the opportunity for the ER and God was like..."You need some practice interviewing with a panel...even though this is totally NOT the job I have for you-waste 'o' time in the ER when you want L&D". Then just when I couldn't stop wearing my pajamas 24/7, I did AMAZING at my temp interview, cause I think God was like, "Ok so you need an income for bills and such so here you go...easy nursing job...silver platter..." And then Midland, TX called and God was like, "Kari it's a small town...you're a city girl...and you don't own a gun so...you know, you CAN'T be a Texan"

That brings us back to the present: Mother/Infant awesomeness! I just don't get why I haven't gotten the "we want you, you're hired" call. And that's why I broke down, because I am ANXIOUS and CRAZY and IMPATIENT!

Today at my painful job I went to the bathroom and grabbed my usual stall, the one with the broken lock that I always forget is broken so I have to hold the door closed, (this is the only 3ft x 2ft room I don't have to pretend in, I can be myself completely), and I prayed! Poor God, what a visual!

Anyway, prayer is the only secret I have left. I still hate my job but at least now God has given me the grace to do it. and hopefully he will redirect me to the Mother/Infant Unit!!!!